


the love lab

by anthropologicalhands



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Sex in the lab, Tony is kind of a hypocrite, Who's been locking Tony out of his lab?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-28
Updated: 2014-03-28
Packaged: 2018-01-17 07:43:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1379521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anthropologicalhands/pseuds/anthropologicalhands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His teammates are getting a little too frisky in the lab. Tony tries to set boundaries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the love lab

**Author's Note:**

> This is pure crack.

Tony really should not have been surprised. 

But somehow, he is unprepared for the revelation that there has been, uh… _funny business_ going on in the Tower lab. It shouldn’t have been that surprising: since the arrival of Betty Ross last month (well, more like an assisted kidnapping), the number of couples present in the Tower has risen to three (it might be four, but Natasha and Clint are frustratingly vague on the matter). Someone is always entering a room vaguely sweaty and disheveled without having been anywhere near the gymnasium. That’s a given when you have a tower full of nooks and crannies. No big deal. Tony won’t judge.

But the lab is not a nook or cranny. The lab is a sacred place of work and—

All right, not work _per se_. Not all the time. 

But it is a place of discovery.

It is important.

And should be kept sterile.

\--

He supposes he’s been spoiled. For the first few months, Bruce was his only partner. Even if he has come to better terms with the Hulk, the good doctor tries to limit any potential stimuli by keeping his workplace spotless. When he is in the lab, he is guaranteed to be engrossed in one project or another. 

Then the Convergence happened and Tony got wind that Thor was back. That Thor was not only back, but living with an astrophysicist. And the couple was getting rather tired of SHIELD snooping around her labs.

So, generous man that he is, Tony offers Jane Foster space in the main lab. If she doesn’t want SHIELD, she doesn’t have to deal with SHIELD. Even if he has butted heads with her in the past, the email is barely sent before JARVIS informed him that Dr. Foster accepted.

They don’t quite live in the Tower yet, despite the suite Tony constructed for them. He’s working on that.

However, with their inclusion into the Tower, what usually ends up happening is that more often than not, Thor is hanging around in the lab. Tony did not anticipate having to build a lab to withstand godly enthusiasm.

On the one hand, it is a remarkable challenge that he is more than willing to rise against.

On the other hand, all of Thor and Jane’s…affection…is a little ridiculous. Bruce thinks it’s sweet, and says that Tony is being hypocritical, because doesn’t he do the exact same thing with Pepper?

Tony thinks _that_ is ridiculous. Pepper rarely enters the lab, unless Tony has been working for too long.

“That’s because you’re a puppy who keeps trying to show off all of your new tricks,” says Bruce. “Besides, they aren’t that public about it.”

Bruce always looks a little wistful when he talks about Thor and Jane, which Tony takes to mean that he’s remembering Betty, and yeah, he needs to get on fixing that. 

Don’t tell anyone, but he’s a bit of a sucker for romance. 

\--

Then he walks in on Thor and Jane making out in the lab.

To be fair, a part of the reason he walks in on them is because he overrides the locked doors, because he’s come up with new specs for a project he and Jane have been working on. 

The other part of the reason is that he ignores JARVIS’s attempt to stop him. 

All he gets is a hasty “Sir I would knock if I were you—” before walking into the lab and gets an eyeful.

They don’t notice his entrance. He’s actually a little proud of that; it took a lot of hours at the drawing board to get the doors so silent. 

He observes for a second, and then, since voyeurism is not his style (no matter _what_ Pepper claims), offers a friendly warning.

“Thor, please don’t crush the astrophysicist. We’re in the middle of building a spaceship, and I need her expertise.”

Thor straightens up, and seems vaguely embarrassed, but composed. Jane, on the table, is definitely blushing. She immediately sits up and adjusts her shirt. Her hair is a bit of a mess, but Tony knows better than to comment on that.

“Hello, Tony,” says Thor.

“Hi,” Jane mutters, almost inaudible.

“I apologize for the intrusion, Dr. Foster, Mr. Odinson, if only because Mr. Stark will not.” JARVIS’s voice filters through the lab. He sounds very pointed.

“It’s all right JARVIS,” says Jane. She always looks up when addressing JARVIS, which always makes Tony like her a little more, no matter what kind of arguments they’ve been having. How bad can someone be if they’re polite to JARVIS?

“I have some new modifications,” says Tony, getting down to business, flourishing the blueprints. “I’m thinking red for the paintjob.”

He only feels faintly guilty about interrupting their makeout session. It helps that neither seem particularly put out. Thor retreats to the gymnasium and Jane pulls the blueprints right out of Tony’s hands, lays them on the table and launches into an argument about why, exactly, it is going to fail.

So he forgets about it.

Then, a few weeks later, it happens again. No big deal. He starts typing in the extra override codes.

“Sir, you really do not want to go in there,” says JARVIS.

Because he does learn from his mistakes, Tony pauses.

“Please tell me it’s not Point Break again.”

“Thor and Dr Foster are currently in the city getting shawarma, as Dr Foster forgot to eat lunch two hours ago.”

“Oh? Then who’s in the lab?”

“Dr. Banner requested that he and Dr. Ross did not wish to be disturbed for the next few hours.”

“Oh…wow. Seriously?” 

“Yes.”

“Working on a personal experiment?” 

“That would be one way of putting it, sir.” JARVIS sounds incredibly uncomfortable.

“Huh.” Tony regards the door. As much as he likes to push Bruce’s buttons, if he and Betty have figured out a way around their intimacy problems, he is not going to be the one to stop them. “Let me know when they’re decent.”

“I am not watching, sir, so I cannot inform you in any such capacity. However, I will let you know when they leave.”

“…Fair enough.”  
\--  
Tony doesn’t have a lot of tact, but what he does have, he uses wisely.

Still, he’s starting to get tired of this “anything, anywhere” mentality the couples of the Tower seem to have. Over the next month, he keeps a tally on the number of times he finds himself locked out of his lab, as JARVIS now refuses point blank to identify the offenders. And Tony is not quite at the point where he’s willing to view the video footage. If there is any. He supposes he could always find another lab to work in, but that sort of defeats the purpose of a communal lab, and at this point it’s more the principle of the thing.

When the tally increases to ten marks in the span of one week, Tony decides enough is enough. 

“I have a new rule,” announces Tony. “No sex in the lab. It is incredibly unhygienic and I am truly appalled at the little regard you all hold the pristine conditions in which we conduct our work.”

This announcement does not have the desired effect. Jane barely acknowledges his presence, getting down on her hands and knees and crawling under her latest contraption. Thor nods briefly and goes back to reading results on the screen nearest to the machine. The…abomination is wretchedly clunky, has little sense of symmetry…and is custom built to Jane’s needs. Tony burns to tinker with it, but alas, the contract Jane signed when she joined the lab was a guarantee that no one would mess with her stuff. 

Across the room, Bruce makes a sort of huffy laugh and shakes his head. Betty, sharing his workspace, smiles and returns to her beakers.

At his workstation, Pepper doesn’t even look up from her tablet.

“I expected more of a reaction,” says Tony to the open air. “More indignant screaming. It actually sincerely concerns me that none of you are concerned by the idea that your work has been contaminated.”

“No one in here is that stupid, Tony,” says Bruce, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “As long as everyone cleans up after themselves, it should be fine.”

Betty hums her agreement, which makes Bruce looks up from his readings long enough to smile adoringly at her. Sometimes Tony can really understand why Clint avoids this floor. The sheer amount of love in the room is overwhelming.

“It’s all very well and good for you, Mr. Rage Monster. Dr. Ross, how do you feel about your samples being potentially contaminated?”

“Anyone who has sex at my workstation would be in danger of knocking over corrosive acids,” says Betty without looking up. “Not even you would try such a thing.” She doesn’t jump when Bruce comes up next to her to loop an arm around her waist. Tony scowls at them, but there really isn’t any conviction in it. Tony likes having her around. Between the ever-diverting wrath of General Ross, Bruce’s more relaxed nature, and the addition to their roster of scientists, there hasn’t been a dull moment.

“Indeed,” adds Thor, pulling up files on the screen. “I do not believe you need to concern yourself with inappropriate conduct, Tony.”

When Tony envisioned a lab devoted entirely to mad scientist shenanigans, he somehow never even considered that Thor would be a regular. It’s easier to think of him as Jane’s ever loyal pet. It is still galling to see ‘Thor Odinson of Asgard’ referenced in physics journals. Tony gives him what he hopes is the evil eye. “I’m pretty sure I walked in on such conduct, what, three or four times in the last week?”

Thor just grins. This is something irritating Tony finds about him. So far, the only things that get under Thor’s skin are either A) insulting Jane’s honor, either traditionally (hem hem) or scientifically or B) Loki. Neither are lines which Tony, mudslinger that he be, is willing to cross. “We activate the locking mechanisms. You are the one who chooses to override them.”

“I don’t expect to be locked out of my own lab _twelve hours a day_. In case you don’t remember, this is a center for free experimentation, not the Love Lab.”

“We had a Love Lab back at Culver,” remarks Betty, unwinding Bruce’s arm from around her waist and settling it about her shoulders instead. “Surprisingly convenient.”

“It was a truck that gave out free condoms and had cartoon hearts on the paint job,” says Jane, pulling herself out from under the Fosterdottir 5000 (name courtesy of Thor—Darcy takes credit for the 5000 part). “It was pretty convenient.” She tugs at the cuff of Thor’s jeans to get his attention. He bends down to pull her to her feet. 

“Is that a particularly unsubtle hint for me to put a condom dispenser in here or something?” grumbles Tony. Surprisingly, he perks up. “Actually, that’s an excellent idea. Almost something I came up with. I’ll get Happy on it pronto.”

“Happy doesn’t work for you anymore,” Pepper reminds him, finally looking up from her tablet. It’s a quiet day for her, which means that she is only working from one screen instead of three and doesn’t have to take the jet to some obscure business meeting.

“But, Pepper,” says Tony. “Condom dispensers! Think of the convenience!”

Bruce makes a sort of disgusted noise. Tony ignores him. They’ve only walked in on him and Pepper once, and that wasn’t “walked in on” so much as “Canada is on fire from aliens, assemble NOW” and the sheer misfortune in choosing the war room for a quickie.

“You just said that you didn’t want to encourage sex outside of the private floors,” says Pepper. 

“I don’t. The point of dispensers isn’t ‘right there, right now’. It’s just, you know, there. In case. I call it a wholesome way to promote safe sex.”

“As opposed to what alternative?” asks Pepper.

“I’m thinking of installing a patch in JARVIS so that anyone getting busy in the tower gets a quick reminder to clear out, broadcast throughout the tower. Nothing too fancy.”

 _That_ provokes the reaction he wants. Jane scowls down darkly from Thor’s shoulders, where she is perched to rewire the top of the Fosterdottir 5000. None of the others look amused, either.

“I would rather you not do that, sir.” JARVIS sounds even more British and appalled than he usually does. Tony counts this as a victory in his favor.

“Then insist to Mrs. Stark that we get the condom dispensers installed pronto.”

Pepper angles an eyebrow at him. “Mrs. Stark? Since when am I Mrs. Stark?”

Tony allows a brief pause.

“Sorry. Mrs. Potts-Stark. I would take your name too. Not a bad name. Potts. Sounds puckish. Half the reason I hired you.”

“We are not married.”

“I’m pretty sure what we have constitutes a common-law marriage at this point.”

“Well, ‘pretty sure’ doesn’t get us a license.”

“We could get one.”

“Do not turn a request for a condom dispenser into a marriage proposal.” She is trying to look stern, and failing magnificently. 

“I’ve done worse.”

“That’s not a good reason.”

“Again, I’ve done worse.”

“I’m leaving so that I can get some work done in peace,” says Pepper, picking up her discarded heels in one hand, tablet tucked under her elbow. She steps around the desk and pecks him on the cheek. “I’ll see you for dinner.”

She exits the lab with the heels slung over her shoulder. 

Tony follows her out. He might be on to something. He pauses at the door, and turns around to regard the remaining lab rats.

“Before any of you get any ideas, conjugal relations do not void my rule. This little tangent was unrelated to the initial complaint.” he informs them, before turning and heading up the stairs, presumably to intercept Pepper in front of her office.

“How many of you actually understood what happened?” Bruce asks, looking at Betty but addressing everyone in the lab space.

“He does that every week,” says Jane, peering down into the Fosterdottir 5000, tapping the wiring.

“Ask Pepper to marry him?” Betty sounds amused. 

“Indeed,” says Thor. “It is difficult to tell whether or not his intentions are serious.”

“It’s Tony,” says Bruce. “He’s just joking until she says yes.”

He straightens up. “So, now that Tony isn’t here being obnoxious about it…how often are you two,” he points at Thor and Jane respectively with pair of tweezers. “Using this room for, um, private purposes?”

“Not as often as Tony is saying,” says Jane, retying her ponytail. “I can’t say it hasn’t happened a few times, but it’s not like we can’t control ourselves.” She looks over at Betty. “What about…”

“Just once or twice, but that’s it,” says Betty quickly. “I mean, we have been trying to experiment with different conditions—” She blushes and looks over at Bruce.

“We’ve been figuring out if we can keep the other guy from coming out at inopportune times,” supplies Bruce, without particular embarrassment. “We used the lab if we couldn’t move any equipment upstairs, but it’s not like we want to be in here for that.”

“Then who else would be capable of entering this space?” asks Thor, resting his crossed arms on the frame.

“Whoever else lives in the tower who isn’t Tony,” says Bruce. “And I doubt Steve ever comes near this place on his own. So that just leaves Natasha and Clint, and they—”

He abruptly stops talking.

There is a very pregnant pause.

“Oh my god,” says Jane, torn between horror and amusement.

“No, they wouldn’t,” says Bruce. He is just horrified.

“Are they even together?” asks Betty, interested.

“It is their own business,” says Thor carefully.

“Not that we know of,” says Bruce at the same time. “Then again, if I was Clint, and I was in a secret relationship with a woman whose codename is the Black Widow, I wouldn’t talk about it unless she did first.”

“Well, they’d know how to clean up after themselves at least.” Betty looks up. “The lab does have a good-sized ventilation system. Easy access in and out without anybody seeing them.”

Bruce closes his eyes, pained. “I don’t want to think about it.”

“JARVIS?” asks Jane, looking up.

“Yes, Dr. Foster?”

“Have Natasha or Clint ever been in the lab while it was locked?”

“I would rather not confirm or deny that question, Dr. Foster.”

“No problem. Thanks, JARVIS.”

They look at each other.

“So, who wants to be the sacrificial lion?” asks Bruce.

“Get Tony to do it,” says Jane. “He’s the one who wanted to know in the first place.”

“I would agree,” says Thor. “It is, as he says, his tower.”

“I can’t say I disagree,” says Bruce. “JARVIS, could you convey our hypothesis to Tony? I think he might be interested to know who might really be locking him out of his lab.”

“I will inform Mr. Stark. I cannot promise that he will be pleased with the conclusions you have drawn.”

“He doesn’t have to be. He just gets to decide what to do with it,” says Bruce.

“It’s nice to see that you have your sense of humor back,” says Betty dryly.

They return to their work. Fifteen minutes later, JARVIS filters back through the intercom. 

“Dr. Banner, I have conveyed your message to Mr. Stark.”

“Oh, yeah? Did he have anything to say?”

“Many obscenities.”

“Of course,” says Bruce. Both Betty and Jane are having trouble smothering their laughter. Thor just keeps grinning. “Well, did he say what he planned to do about this invasive use of the lab? Perhaps a sit-down with our fellow master assassins?”

“Just a gesture that he requested I show you on your data screen. If you don’t mind, I will not display that part of the message.”

“Much appreciated.” Not even Bruce can contain his laughter. “Keep us updated on what he does, won’t you?”

“How can I not?” Jarvis’s tone is bone dry. “I cannot imagine a better use of my capacities than watching Mr. Stark attempt to lay down boundaries with professional spies.”

“Thank you, Jarvis,” says Jane.

For a few minutes they all work in silence.

“You know, say what you want about Tony,” says Betty thoughtfully. “But I don’t think he was wrong about the condom dispensers being a good idea.”


End file.
